My 37 year old boyfriend definitely did a LOT of work trying to find a .. When I was 32, I dated a girl who I assumed was early 20s, it turned out. So I'm actually the 20 yr old asking here, but I just wanted to get your perspectives on what may be going through the older guy's head because. The real rules about how old and young you can date. Based on the creepiness rule, a year old John/Lauren can date someone who is
- The real rules about old and young you can date
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- Older men often date younger women, but everyone can benefit when the age gap is reversed
I think you could do a lot better and are getting caught up in the "will we or won't we" excitement that he's generating, and it sounds like a bit of a waste of time. It seems pretty fucking far. The worry with age gaps like that is it's very easy for the much older person to unduly influence the growth and development of the younger person, whether conscious or subconsciously, because the younger person is so very malleable at that point.
Im 20 and dating a 34 year old - Accommodation advice
Because what you describe sounds like an exhausting rollercoaster. This kind of thing can make a relationship seem a lot more interesting than it is. And I know you can't put everything into an AskMe post, but I'm not getting much sense of what excites you about this guy.
You have a lot in common? You have all the choice in the world; why would you pick someone who acts like this? I want to slap this guy for the way he keeps breaking up with you and playing hard to get. I say this as someone who married a man with more than that much of an age difference, and I met him when I was younger than you. I look back on that marriage with much fondness. There were also a ton of problems, many to do with my young age and poor judgment, as Postroad mentioned.
I have a personal history with age gaps-- when I was 18 I dated a year-old, which worked out just fine for both of us as a not-very-serious-but-nice thing. That was the biggest age gap, but there have been several others of years, and those haven't worked out any worse than my involvements with people closer to my age.
Even if he doesn't have another girlfriend, he seems like a bit of a mess. If you can get out, you probably should. If you can't bring yourself to, well, bad times make good stories for later. Call him up and let him down like the confused puppy he is.
When I was a youngster, I dated a few guys who were much older and, yeah, they all turned out to be sort of losers. But, I handled them all pretty well, in retrospect. The guy who was joking about "jail bait" on our third date? Sorry -- if you can't handle the age difference then what the hell am I supposed to do? Another guy just really seemed to like showing me off to his friends but had precious little to talk about when we were together.
My most serious age-gap boyfriend was only five years older but I was 19 and that was a big gap at that age. I realized that I wasn't ready to be his long-term relationship which is what he was very ready to have and so I broke it off. Later that summer, I accepted a date with a guy who I pegged to be about 25, maybe. Anyway, you have agency here.
This guy is just not going to work out and who knows what his problem is. But he's 34 and if he can't get it together at that age then I don't think you want to mess around with him. Not this fake sort of break-up you've been having, but for real.
Not because this dude is older than you. Because this dude is a jerk. It is perfectly okay to say to someone, honestly and kindly, "I like you, but I really want a sexual relationship, which you are not currently interested in, so I'm afraid this isn't going to work out for me. And just because he stopped doing that for the time being doesn't mean it was okay for him to do it, repeatedly, in the first place, or that he won't do it again.
I think the issue here is that this man is attracted to you, but really wants to have sex, NOW, and is not patient enough to wait for you to feel comfortable about it, or reasonable enough to have a respectful and rational, no-pressure conversation with you about it. I think he feels just guilty enough about having those feelings, and having already pressured you over it, that he is now engaged in a weird kabuki dance about what he actually wants instead of telling you, or openly admitting to himself, what he actually wants which is a partner who will have sex with him, now.
It's weird to demand a specific planned length for a relationship before it even starts. I think he started doing this in order to convince you and himself, too, probably that he's really for real committed enough to be worthy of you giving up your virginity and having sex with him.
It's weird to suddenly impose rules on a relationship like "we can have lunch dates but you can't come over to my house anymore.
And the weirdest thing by far is the 'term limits' on the relationships. No, that's not usually how people approach relationships; typically, they are more open-ended in the the expectation is just that they'll continue until they don't, get progressively more intimate unlike this one and I don't mean sexually intimate , and timetables only enter in if one party is wanting to move forward faster than the other, and then they have to decide how long they are going to give the current relationship to develop.
You have many other options. The most important argument here, I think, is that no matter what's going on, this guy is not acting at all like a guy who's interested in you for you. I know it's exciting to be the pursued one and to feel like you are caught up in star-crossed, tortured romance, but actually, compared to being loved and respected by a peer, it's all kind of crap.
This guy knows better. He's trying to get out. You should give him his walking papers to make it easier on both of you. You should be having a great time dating people who are somewhere closer in life to where you are - wanting to get to know each other, enjoy spending time together, and making big life decisions at a pace that's appropriate and comfortable to you.
Yeah, that is weird. It reminded me of the movie Guinevere. There's this guy who dates a series of younger women for a couple of years apiece, and it's treated like he's a sort of postgraduate program they are going through. I think this is a good movie for people to watch if they find themselves dating mentor figures.
It does put a positive spin on this type of relationship, presenting it as a formative experience, but it's rather eye-opening. Give yourself and him!
The whole "We're meeting at coffee shops but not anywhere that could lead to sex" plan is terrible, and I suspect he knows it. It will just keep the two of you in a space where the relationship is an enticing possibility, not a reality you're exploring and then choosing to continue or sever.
Neither his sexuality nor yours is a wild force that needs to be contained in public spaces lest it unleash itself--sex is something you choose to do together, and you could very easily choose to leave the coffee shop, go to his house, and have sex. Or, you could have a romantic dinner at his house and choose not to have sex. Take him at his word that he no longer wants to be in the relationship he's been trying to persuade you to commit to.
Ignore his flip-flopping about "no contact doesn't seem right, either. He's not a nice fellow, and I'm having a very difficult time understanding how a percentage of mefites in this thread interpreted his actions as though he is nice and trustworthy.
I dated with that age gap at your age. Yes the age gap can be OK, but in your case, this guy is manipulating you. I think he maybe has a girlfriend, and either way he's playing games because you are still a virgin. He should have initiated this when he discovered you weren't up for having sex with him. At 34, he's planning on having a 4 to 5 year long relationship with you that includes sex. Is he telling you he is not the marrying kind, but a player instead?
All of the break-ups, and then re-initiating contact? He's trying to wear you down so you'll sleep with him -OR- he's an immature drama queen. Either way, it's beneath you, at any age. Block all access from this guy and move on with your life. You deserve much much better. I'm unclear if he thinks relationships have predictable expiration dates or if that's just the way things seem to work out for him. But if it's the first, I've actually known someone who thought that way.
I think it was based on one of Ursula Le Guin's novels. Couples entered relationship contracts that lasted for a set amount of time, instead of getting married as we earthlings do. I get a bad feeling about him. On the other hand, we learn by making mistakes. He seems to be the kind of mistake one could survive. Call him out on this stuff. Haven't you a choice and a responsibility in the matter too?
Why would you inevitably end up hating him? Not only bad, say I. That said, frequent mini-breakups are a bit of a reddish mini-flag nevertheless.
Because none of us is perfect, we don't always display full maturity at all times; so, despite realizing that he shouldn't be dating you for all the reasons he says, he's quite right in those and it looks like he has a realistic view of the situation , he's still attracted to you, and those continued meetings just fuel the fire.
So it's hard to let go of this possibility of a relationship, even if he knows that it's a really bad idea. Occasionally I may break the unofficial "rule" and go out with somebody 10 years younger when we really "click" but at the back of my mind, there's always this concern that maybe I'm taking advantage of her.
I tend not to vocalize these feelings because dating is complicated enough without creating drama by saying every silly thought that crosses one's mind, but it's there.
So on the one hand, I want to reassure you that most of this guy's concerns and feelings are perfectly normal. On the other hand, the fact that he hasn't successfully resolved his inner conflict and continues to express it to you even though you have absolutely no ability to fix it it's not like you can snap your fingers and magically become older suggests that he's a drama llama.
I recommend telling him it's time to man up and decide what he wants, then stop agonizing about it. Before he preached about "strong feelings" and "love down the line" is crazy manipulative all by itself. Whether the guy is playing with his own emotions, or playing with the OP's, this is not the trusting and honest relationship which leads to lifetime commitment the OP is looking for. This is a guy who thinks relationships top out at 4 to 5 years, max.
The OP doesn't need to stick around to try and change someone who holds a stunted view on intimate relationships. And by the way OP, I think you are totally correct - after dating somone for two years, both parties have enough data to decide if the relationship will lead to marriage or not.
OP, if you are going to date someone 14 years older than you, date a Man. Don't date a Peter Pan-type with commitment issues. Being a player or an immature commitment-phobe with stunted views on intimate relationships does not make this guy a "Bad Person. Is he a poor choice for mentor or friendship material? OP, the mini break-ups and chaste coffee shop lust isn't romantic because it is not leading anywhere solid.
Upon Preview, wolfdreams01 really nails what I'm trying to say: I wonder if this is in part what's behind the meeting in public places requirement? That would make him an "MF" in my book if he was keeping secrets and playing with people's hearts. However, I can back off on that point and still say that in all my years of experience, I've learned this: Relationships that feature obstacles and lots of mini break-ups never turn into what either person involved wants or needs.
Sorry I may have painted him in the wrong light: In fact, the one time I suggested that to him he said we weren't ready to go there yet. He's been meticulously careful about building up to it, the issue is more that I don't like oral and he thinks I should experience that before actual sex.
He's never made blunt advances, just made it clear that he wants to fuck me eventually. I genuinely don't think he has a girlfriend, albeit a serious one. He hates cheating and honestly working hours a week I don't think one would have time for that. Going into the line of work he is in, I know personally maintaining one relationship is difficult enough, having two with that while working 80 hours a week is unreal. We also talk regularly on the phone late at night which I imagine is not very likely to happen if a girlfriend is a reality.
I survey random people about interesting topics. And I like froyo. The real rules about how old and young you can date.
A quick poll of my friends says otherwise. This made me wonder, does the creepiness rule actually reflect what is socially acceptable when it comes to age differences in dating? In other words, does the creepiness rule actually reflect what society finds…creepy?
The researchers approached random people in public and asked them to imagine themselves in a romantic relationship with an attractive person of the opposite sex. The researchers then presented different types of relationships- sexual fantasies, casual affairs, long-term relationships, marriage — and asked the participants what the minimum and maximum age of their partner is for each scenario. Women want men around their own age regardless of the type of relationship.
Men want much younger women for less committed, more private relationships e. For those types of relationships, men looked for women younger than the lower limits of the creepiness rule.
For more committed and public relationships, men looked for women closer to their own age. What I found was kind of surprising. When men message women, women tend to respond most often to men around their own ages.
A year-old woman will have better luck messaging a year-old man than a year-old one, according to the data. And a year-old man is more likely to respond to a message from a year-old woman than a message from any other age group. When women make the first move, the age gap dating norm is reversed. I asked my friend Trevor, a year-old mathematician, what he made of it.
They have more interesting jobs and hobbies, and their profiles are just better… no stupid selfie-only profiles. Across all ages, straight women write shorter profiles than straight men.
And then there are those year-old women who really clean up with the year-old dudes. Cindy has been dating men in their 20s for the past 15 years. Working in tech, she sometimes feels she has more in common with somethings than older men.